Quotes & Jokes about Smoking / page 2

46 quotes

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoeseum?

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

It doesn't matter how big the warnings on the cigarettes are; you could have a black pack, with a skull and crossbones on the front, called tumors, and smokers would be around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things! I bet ya get a tumor as soon as you light up!"

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul.

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready? Non-smokers die every day... Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality... You're dead too.

I love when people in New York City complain about your smoking. Isn't that great? Yeah. These people are standing ankle-deep in dog links, straddling a dead guy, you know. Apparently my cigarette's fucking up the delicate balance of nature here.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.