Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Gifts

Top 15 Quotes (out of 17)

#1

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

284
#2

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what’s the guy even thinking there. "Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It’s nothing!"

52
#3

Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.

39
#4

The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.

7
#5

For me, the best Valentine’s Day gifts don’t cost anything because they come straight from the heart. That’s why I composed a special Valentine’s Day poem for you, my audience. “Roses are red, love’s but a fable. I’m really sorry you can’t afford cable.”

7
#6

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

5
#7

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

5
#8

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

4
#9

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

4
#10

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.

4
#11

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

4
#12

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years...

2
#13

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

2
#14

It's more blessed to give than to receive - especially kittens.

2
#15

Heard someone say "children are god's gift to the world". What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

1