Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

We've heard they've had signs up about Cuero for the last three weeks, ... We're excited about playing this game but not to the point where we do not know what we're doing. We just have to go into the game with intensity and remain focused on our goal.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

[To a whore]<br /> Blackadder: Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.