Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Everything that people say is testable.

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

I could never sit down and write jokes.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it - queefing? I don't know what you young people are calling it.

(On the Edinburgh Festival) I must get some kind of masochistic pleasure out of it. But I have no idea why I go there. No idea at all.