Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1077
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.