Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Death

Top 15 Quotes (out of 36)

#1

I don't wanna die tomorrow knowing that I could have had a piece of chocolate cake tonight.

419
#2

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

253
#3

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

187
#4

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

111
#5

Our job is improving the quality of life not just delaying death.

37
#6

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

31
#7

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

26
#8

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

26
#9

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!

24
#10

Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

19
#11

Life is tough, then you die.

19
#12

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."

18
#13

You're all gonna die. Then you'll be dead for way longer than you're alive, like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.

15
#14

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

11
#15

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.

9