Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Death

Top 15 Quotes (out of 36)


I don't wanna die tomorrow knowing that I could have had a piece of chocolate cake tonight.


Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.


When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.


Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.


Our job is improving the quality of life not just delaying death.


I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.


There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?


I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.


When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!


Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.


Life is tough, then you die.


Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."


You're all gonna die. Then you'll be dead for way longer than you're alive, like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.


We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.


I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.