Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Army

Top 15 Quotes (out of 22)

#1

People say, "Uh-Uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth-largest army in the world." Yeah, well, maybe, but, you know what? After the first three largest armies there's a really big fucking drop-off, okay? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports. So, who is the bigger threat?

135
#2

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

73
#3

People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a real big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.

59
#4

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

38
#5

India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons. How did they get nuclear weapons? Those are dirt poor countries. Their armies don't even have matching uniforms. They go to war, they've got to call each other up, 'Wear something tough looking.'

36
#6

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.

34
#7

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"

15
#8

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

15
#9

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

13
#10

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.'

6
#11

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

6
#12

This needs to be said: there never was a war. "How can you say that, Bill?" Well, a war is when two armies are fighting. So you can see, right there, there never was a war...

6
#13

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

5
#14

You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

5
#15

Another thing when I'm president? If you're in the army, the navy, any branch of the armed forces... you can fuck whoever you want!

5