Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Christmas

Top 15 Quotes (out of 96)


At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!


My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.


I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.


When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!


What do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ? I understand Christmas. Three wise men show up with gifts, 'I love you.' Symbolism, I get that. How did the egg thing happen? Did somebody walk up to somebody else, 'Hey, did you hear? Jesus rose from the dead.' 'Hide the eggs! Hide the eggs! We gotta trick Jesus. Paint the eggs pink or purple. Put them in the park! Trick Jesus!'


I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry fucking Christmas!


This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, 'Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox.' You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine - because I got her an Xbox.


Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.


Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what’s the guy even thinking there. "Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It’s nothing!"


Kenny G will be releasing a CD fully comprised of Christmas songs. Happy birthday, Jesus - hope you like crap.


They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.


The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.


At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.


You might be a redneck if your Christmas tree is still up in February.


My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence.' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy.