Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.