Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Patients

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 13)

#1

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

36
#2

And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!

20
#3

A prominent Los Angeles psychiatrist told a patient: “Ridiculous that you should still be frightened of thunder at your age. Thunder is a mere natural phenomenon. Now the next time it storms and you hear a couple of claps of thunder, just do as I do – put your head under a pillow and stuff your ears until the thunder goes away.”

12
#4

A lot of times people complain that their significant other takes too long to get ready to go out at night. I've never had that complaint and I think it's because I never want to go anywhere, so I could care less how long it takes her to get ready. That's just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending I don't want to kill myself. She'll take an hour and a half to get ready, come down and be like, 'Oh my goodness, you were so patient.' And I'll be like, 'For what? You look disgusting.' Now she's crying, whatever, I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game. It's not like she's going to break up with me; she's 10 years younger, she's one opinion away from being replaced. I can say that, I have a television show.

11
#5

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

10
#6

The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.

7
#7

I'd like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I've tried to meditate, but it's really hard for me to stay still. I'd like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can't shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key.

7
#8

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

5
#9

I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.

5
#10

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

4
#11

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbour!"

4
#12

My theory is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I tried to capitalized on the values that made the show work. I have to be nice to my guests at the hotel, as I had to do with my patients, even when they're bugging me. And the home-life part seemed to work. I don't want ever to ride the show into the ground. It has been good to me.

4
#13

My shrink told me that my progress was pointless and she'd prefer to still keep me as a patient but analyze someone else in my place.

3