Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1177
A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.
This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.
"I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!"
The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo’s a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point.
You know, it's really rude to yell at your cock in front of people, and I apologize.
They say give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Self hatred is a bitch. That being said, people who really like themselves rarely produce anything interesting or creative.
When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"
You might be a redneck if you list your parole officer as a reference.
Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.