Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1222

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'

You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that…shite.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!

Did you ever notice how the people who believe in creationism look really unevolved. Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet.<br /> “I believe God created me in one day.”<br /> Looks like he rushed it.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I got access to a private tour of the zoo. I got to go in a cage with a koala, which I highly recommend.

A beautiful woman chased me down the street yesterday. She shouted and screamed, tried to grab me, ripped my at my clothes and pulled my hair. After about five minutes, I said, "Okay, lady. Keep your handbag."

"The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A."

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.