Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about People

Top 15 Quotes (out of 47)

#1

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

468
#2

A lot of people say that it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer "fuck".

136
#3

People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

109
#4

People say to me, "Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves." Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps… sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?

71
#5

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

56
#6

I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."

52
#7

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.

47
#8

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

41
#9

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

39
#10

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

38
#11

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

37
#12

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

34
#13

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.

34
#14

Not all children are smart and clever, got that? Kids are like any other group of people: a few winners... a whole lot of losers.

32
#15

I’m at a very frustrating point in my career because I’m not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you’re in movies or TV, you’re rich. I’m not rich, but I’m far from broke. I’m what you call a ‘thousandaire.’

21