Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Ice Cream

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 19)

#1

I want everybody I know to be happy, ‘cause guess what; I have found my ice cream truck. And I feel like an astronaut, ‘cause every day with her is a day in outer space.

299
#2

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

262
#3

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone. I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

177
#4

I swear on my unborn child's life i didn't eat your fucking ice cream.

142
#5

A serving size on ice cream is like a half a cup. Is that like a joke some guy put on there? "Hey, come here: look what I put for the serving size. Did you see? I just did it as a joke but they're going out like that." You ever know anybody to eat a half a cup of ice cream? "Hey, you wanna go grab something to eat?" "Ah, no. I had a half a cup of ice cream. Ya, a whole half a cup. I just kept eating and eating and eating. I must've had two spoonfuls."

66
#6

There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they can hear that motherfucking ice cream truck.

39
#7

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

26
#8

Wasted is when you have a hankering for ice cream.

21
#9

I went to a place recently I think is one of the most fucked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape shit with it.

12
#10

That's Chunky Monkey ice cream!

9
#11

I have nephews. They love spending time with us. T they love it because we let them do whatever they want to do - they're not our kids, we don't care. 'Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.' They come visit us, man - 'Oh what? Oh, no dinner? Alright, fine, hey - ice cream all day, how about that? I don't have to cook a damn thing. Just scoop it out. There you go. Eat up. I don't pay your dental bills.'

6
#12

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

5
#13

I love New York, though I'll never eat any of the ice creams that they sell in the park. That's just disgusting. You see the little picture of them? They all have a little bite taken out of them already.

5
#14

I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.

4
#15

Just heard a guy say "pussy is my thing". Wow, guy really went out on a limb. Do you also like ice cream, and getting things for free?

3