Quotes & Jokes about Golf / page 2

56 quotes

I tell people that stand-up's like golf: you gotta do it every day to get it down - or at least three times a week to get it down.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."

My wife gave me a book before we got married, Oh, the Places You'll Go!, by Dr. Seuss. She was trying to tell me something, about what I was capable of, but I didn't get it. Over time, I've sort of lived the message in that book, and I couldn't have without what golf taught me. So I put it in my bag while I played the Old Course, and on the last hole when I posed on the Swilcan Bridge, I held it up.

I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.

There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don't even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don't seem to have time now.

President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes.