Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Decisions

Top 15 Quotes (out of 59)


If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.


I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.


If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.


In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.


I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.


Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.


Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.


How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.


The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key decisions made by religious people - by irrationalists - by those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.


I’m trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I’ve ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It’s called going to sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it.


It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it.


Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."


I've decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.


In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"


Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?