Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Decisions

Top 15 Quotes (out of 59)

#1

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

181
#2

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

127
#3

If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

113
#4

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

46
#5

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

32
#6

Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.

31
#7

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

17
#8

How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.

14
#9

The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key decisions made by religious people - by irrationalists - by those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.

13
#10

I’m trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I’ve ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It’s called going to sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it.

10
#11

It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it.

10
#12

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

10
#13

I've decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.

8
#14

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

8
#15

Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?

6