Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Cancer

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 30)

#1

I don't believe in cancer walks. Well, I believe in them because they exist but I'd rather just give money straight up and save my Saturday afternoon. I can make my own t-shirt, that's not incentive. Plus I don't think cancer responds to how far people walk. I don't think cancer's sitting at home, 'What? How many people walked how far? How many people walked how far wearing the same shirt? That's crazy! I'm out of here!' Remission.

337
#2

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

155
#3

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to walk to cure cancer. I'll just write a check.

98
#4

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

48
#5

You know, I don't think Richie would go to my Uncle Bert and go, 'Hey, I understand you got bowel cancer. Oh man, I know how you feel, I gotta drink a lot of booze. What's your symptoms, Uncle Bert?' 'Well, my bowel, I got blood pouring out of it all the time? and I got searing, clawing pains?ripping, tearing, mind-screeching bowel pains?and they're combined with aching, dull, soul-deadening bowel pain. Those are basically my symptoms; how 'bout you?' 'I get happy. I tend to be able to talk to people easier, I find. Sometimes, I'll meet a lady at a bar, got the same disease I do, and I'll fuck her.'

38
#6

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke... tumors.

30
#7

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man goes "Thank god I don't have cancer."

29
#8

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

26
#9

I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure... if you die, the cancer also dies at exactly the same time. So that to me is not a loss; that's a draw. It's not like... the cancer's going to jump up and go, "Arrrgh I fucked Uncle Bert's wife, where is he? I won fair and square."

24
#10

If you vote against Obama because he can't get stuff done, it’s kind of like saying 'This guy can’t cure cancer. I’m gonna vote for cancer.'

24
#11

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

17
#12

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

17
#13

I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.

16
#14

Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

15
#15

I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.

11