Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 656
Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
Day-to-day life is a lot of work. I work a lot on stand-up stuff, and then day-to-day life and, you know, just living. It's always different. Try to work out, try to stay in shape, and try to have some fun.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something -- and then get it again and again and again.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'
I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses.
When you get a certain age pussy is not what it was when you was younger… I only fuck so I have a memory to jerk off to later.