Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 19

I say fuck shoes! Your shoes do not represent you! Neither here, nor in a court of law!

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

'I had to sit on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh my god, really? What happened then, did you fly through the air like a bird, incredibly? Did you soar into the clouds, impossibly? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight and then land softly on giant tires that you couldn't even conceive how they fucking put air in them? You're sitting in a chair in the sky. You're like a Greek myth right now.

You don't get to be old bein' no fool...

Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.

I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?'

I tell ya, I'm bout as crazy as a dog in a hubcap factory.

Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Don't use a peanut, a peanut goes rogue. A cashew contours to the tip as if to say, "Let's do this, I'm a cashew."

Hey, niggers! Turn that jungle music down! Woogie boogie, nigger! Woogie boogie!

Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out everybody I'm workin with pills up here. I'm taking pills from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in a little bottle! That's my whole job.I can't be down on the floor with you people. Then I'm gonna type out, on a little piece of paper. And it's really hard."

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.