Quotes & Jokes about Babies / page 2

47 quotes

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She’ll be in front of everyone with her um… breast… out feeding it. You know… cereal or whatever.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

People don't let politicians kiss your babies. Those lips have been on lobbyist asses for years now.

I know pushing out babies is hard. But on September 11, I panicked and tried to push one back.

Babies: they're not just for Puerto Ricans anymore.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies". She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.