Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Life

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 48)

#1

"Wait up!" That's what kids say. They don't say "wait", they say "Wait up! Hey, wait up!" 'Cause when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I'll clean up! Let me stay up!" Parents of course are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down."

1,231
#2

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

434
#3

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

110
#4

People say 'my phone sucks.' No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

96
#5

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

89
#6

Drugs are so fucking good that they'll ruin your life.

52
#7

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.

51
#8

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

44
#9

When people say "life is short". What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does! What can you do that's longer?

39
#10

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

37
#11

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

37
#12

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

36
#13

Our job is improving the quality of life not just delaying death.

35
#14

You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!

25
#15

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

24