Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Health

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 16)

#1

They say if you don't have your health you ain't got nothing, but the truth is you ain't got nothing if you don't have no one to worry about your health.

28
#2

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

26
#3

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

23
#4

Health clubs aren't healthy. In New York City, which has the most stairs of anywhere in the country, people pay money to go to a health club and use a stair master. When you live in a city, that has nothing but stairs and you pay money to use special stairs, that is not healthy behavior. It's fucking psychotic!

11
#5

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

10
#6

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

9
#7

We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! "Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!"

5
#8

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

5
#9

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

3
#10

The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.

3
#11

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

3
#12

Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light.

3
#13

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

2
#14

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

2
#15

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

1