Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 537
We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man.
Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.
The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.
When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred-dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I-- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.
Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup! That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup - that's it!
?I don’t think Al Sharpton will be president of anything, except for The Association of Greasy Mother Fuckers. Zing, Al Sharpton. Don’t fuck with me.
Haiku sounds like I'm saying hi to someone named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.
People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, 'Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there 'cause as soon as you get there, they kill you.' That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away... That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day.