Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Wife

Top 15 Quotes (out of 61)


A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.


Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.


My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.


I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."


Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity, and my children are eating my dreams. We don't bother you with that. We just say "Great."


Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.


My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.


My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.


I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.


In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.


I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.


My first wife, I'll never forget her - and I've tried.


Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."