Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

Top 15 Quotes (out of 16192)

#256

Wouldn't be prudent. Not gonna do it'.

301
#257

Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster.

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#258

Black guys with dirty sneakers scare the shit out of me.

300
#259

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

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#260

Look, it's some cunt coming out of that cunt's cunt.

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#261

I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He’s showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops. Why don't you back off, cran-man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.

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#262

The other day my girlfriend complained to me “chivalry is dead. Oh, Anthony, chivalry is dead.” And I told her “No, baby, chivalry isn’t dead. Chivalry is alive and well. You’re thinking of your mom.”

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#263

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

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#264

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

296
#265

While I was in Miami, they stole my rental car, because apparently, they didn't have enough time to load up a gun and shoot me. On the street, there was a Lexus, a BMW, and in the middle was my car; the rental car. The Plymouth Horizon. Here's a math problem for you, don't ponder it too long or your head'll explode, but how many drugs would you have to consume, in what period of time, to be on the street and go, "Well, I gotta have the Horizon! Are you kidding me? I've never driven a car that's aqua!"

296
#266

You ever read the ingredients in sunblock? I've never seen those words anywhere. You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you? You go, "Oh no, the sun's out!" It could be zebra cum; you don't know. You may not like that joke, but you don't know.

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#267

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

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#268

Let go of the damn door! Sit your ass on the kerb, I will come around and let ya in!

294
#269

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

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#270

We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.

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