Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 386
Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's old enough to swim next time, Ok Jerry?
I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps.
I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all around my neck, I'll be Tracheotomy Man! He can smoke a pack at a time, he's Tracheotomy Man!
...and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: nuclear fuckin' weapons! Ok?!
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of "Full House" was, I always tell them: it was the last one!
In spite of the seven thousands books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and... mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
A doctor was telling me a lot of people aren't getting their kids circumcised. How many people aren't doing it? I'm not looking to be a trendsetter when it comes to my kid's penis. I don't want my kid to be the only guy in the locker room with a schlong that looks like it's about to rob a bank.
I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.
The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so.
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?