Quotes & Jokes about Divorce / page 2

59 quotes

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, "You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change."

My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. "I don't want people not taking me serious." Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, "Kate."

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.

Divorce isn’t caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

Cain, whose wife divorced him because he wasn't Able. Never got a dinner!

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

Actually my Dad just took off. It was one of those divorces he split and he'd show up once a year and give me a Nerf football for Christmas. Thought he's my hero again. Woah it's two colors... you spoil me, you prick.

Why are all the home-ec teachers divorced?