Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Help

Top 15 Quotes (out of 32)

#1

Bono, if you want to help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you cunt.

202
#2

God help me. I'm so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night...

173
#3

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

102
#4

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

91
#5

Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.

45
#6

"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

32
#7

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!

28
#8

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.

21
#9

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

19
#10

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

18
#11

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

16
#12

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

16
#13

Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.

12
#14

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

12
#15

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.

10