Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Halloween

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 26)

#1

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

124
#2

Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.

98
#3

What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in Goblins? You never hear about this. Except on Halloween and then it's all negative shit. And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.

87
#4

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

33
#5

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

31
#6

I will tell you, that you Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop?! It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!

28
#7

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

17
#8

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

15
#9

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

15
#10

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

13
#11

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

12
#12

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

11
#13

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

7
#14

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

7
#15

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

7