Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 17
We know it’s not right. We know it’s not funny, but we’ll quit beating this dead horse when it stops spitting out money. But until then, we will repeat stuff.
I knew it was a bad idea, but I was high. I tried to explain to him that it was a bad idea but all that came out was well nigger sometimes you gotta race, I don't know.
My sister is also retarded. Across the board. She's a one hundred per cent, honest to goodness, born that way retard. I learned a long time ago that if you're going to tell a story about your retarded sister, you need to mention she's retarded right off the bat or inevitably, at the end of the story, someone will say, "What... is she, retarded?" And then you have to go, "Uh... yeah, she is." Followed by a lengthy, awkward silence.
I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn’t make me cooler. And a lot of you are like ‘that’s cause you were homeschooled’.
Dave Chappelle was great. He's just the way he is in the wraparounds on the show. He's a really laid back guy. Just doing five skits on his show gave me enough exposure where I was able to move up a few notches, which was like night and day from where I was in this business. So I'm always thanking him.
Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
When I read things like "the foundations of capitalism are shattering," I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides. Because everything is amazing right now and nobody's happy... In my lifetime, the changes in the world have been incredible. Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of just spoiled idiots that don't care, because this what people are like now. They've got their phone and they're like "Uh, it won't" Give it a second! It's going to space! Can you give it a second to get back from space? Is the speed of light too slow for you?
I've been called a racist before, and let me tell you something - that is harsh. That's a really ugly thing to call someone. That's like being called a Mexican.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Fuck all of you, and fuck the Liberty Bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass.
Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or something: "Oh God, where'd you learn that, oh," and you're going "A, B, C, D, E, F, G".
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.