Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 282

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

If it’s just the voice, then you can only do jokes. It’s not really even about the impression so much. It’s about the take and what you do with the person. I try to get a character across with the impression.

I hate thin people; "Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?"

People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."

Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

This town has lost a lot of business. I've had a lot of people tell me they`re tired of driving to Bonner Springs.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Kim Kardashian is single again. Hey, great. Maybe that will give the NBA players something to do during the lockout.

From now on, we`re home schooling you. Whatever we don`t know, you don`t know. When did the Korean War start? I don`t know, and neither do you!

My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.