Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

Right, but yeah, you say things, but sometimes you say some shit and then you think about it like two hours later, and you're like, "What the fuck was I talking about?!" And you get all embarrassed, like I was with this girl recently, right, and I was just totally in the zone, right, and out of nowhere I was like, "Oh yeah, my dick feels like corn." Sounded good at the time. She didn't even miss a beat, she was like, "Gimme the butter, baby, gimme the butter! Come on, Orville Redenbacher, pop that pussy!"

Whenever I eat at a restaurant I never put the napkin in my lap. People say, 'Hannibal, why don't you put the napkin in your lap?' Because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants 'cause I'm a goddamn adult. And I've mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans. You need to believe in yourself, too and get your life together, that's for babies. Have some confidence in your eating abilities and hand/eye coordination.

That's my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you`d see pictures all over of Elvis. He's just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it's because he had such presence. When Elvis walked into a room, Elvis Presley was in the fucking room. I don't give a fuck who was in the room with him, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe.

And by the way, you’re supposed to have anxiety. Did you know that? It’s a human emotion. It’s been around for a couple of million years. You’re supposed to worry about things. You’re supposed to be concerned that the rent’s not going to get paid, ‘cause that’s how the fucking rent gets paid!

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we?

I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.

I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.’

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

Let’s go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, shit. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'

You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.

Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they were really and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times.