Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 5
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact. He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart.
Women can do anything men can do… except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny on purpose, reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong, I love women, I just think they should drink from a separate water fountain.
They tell us "Rock'n'roll is the devil's music." Well, let's say we know that rock is the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure … At least he fucking jams! If it's a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the fucking Block … I'm gonna be surfin' on the lake of fire, rockin' out.
My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.
I was the best man to a wedding one time, that was pretty good. Pretty good title, I thought, best man. I thought it was a bit much. I thought we'd have the groom and a pretty good man. That's more than enough. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.
I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!
Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster.
You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman." Shit! There's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it. Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping.
I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.
We should just have an orgy right here, right now. Let's just fucking turn off the lights and everybody just feel around. Le's just turn off the lights and play a game called Who's In My Mouth? Did you just say, "careful?" What are you, like my lifeguard? "Careful! Careful, Dane! What, are you spotting my jokes? Careful... careful..."
Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!
The hard part was being the kid that got sent in first to calm Mom down before you dragged in the actual banged up brother. So you'd have to run in, 'Hey, Mom, everything's fine. I just wanted to run in at full speed and say hi. And OK, so, you know Kevin? Of course. Well, you know how his right arm - usually it would bend like that? It's not bending like that right now. And it's no big deal because we already looked at it. But we were thinking, since you said that you had to go get milk later anyway, then we were all thinking if, when you go, you just might want to take him to the hospital? And if you get peanut butter, get smooth.'