Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 15
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, shit. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'
I hate dreaming. Because when you sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know - there I am in a comfortable bed, the next thing you know I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord. I want a dream of me watching myself sleep.
You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, "You know what?" Pppptthhh! "Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude." Pppptthhh!
Weed’s not as bad as everything else… ’cause weed is a background substance. You know what I mean, you can smoke some herb and still function. You ain’t crisp… but you’ll function.
I took a ladies order one time I'll never forget this I go "Mam, that'll be three seventy five, drive around". And there's like this long pause and she goes... "Where do I go?". Where do you go? You follow the one fucking road your on to me! Where do you... Ok. "Mam, you're gonna go to the Texaco station and take a right, go five an a half miles south east and your gonna see a guy in a yellow Poncho, his name is Hank he'll take you to the Whopper later... That's where you go!" And you've got ten minuets to get there or we take your food!
I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and Damn! People ask, "What could be bigger than damn!" The new level's called "Oh hell no!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "damn!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, "Oh hell no! No! No!" That's the difference.
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.
Oh, San Francisco! My 3rd favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you."
You ever lie for no reason at all? Just all of sudden, a big lie spills out of your evil head. Like a guy will come up to you, 'Hey, did you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and a horse?' And you go, 'Yes.' In the back of your head, you're like, 'What in the hell am I lying about over here? I stand to gain nothing by this lie.'
The war is really about religion. The war's between Jesus and Muhammad. The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. Muslims say Muhammad is the messenger. Who gives a expletive who the messenger is did you get the message?
And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"