Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 16192)

#226

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!

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#227

I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people. They're hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks. I don't know how they missed it. Chinese farmer gets up, works in the field with a shovel all day. Shovel. Spoon. Come on. You're not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues!

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#228

How did Mary die? A tire... hit her in the face! What was she doing putting her face near tires? No, no, no... This tire hunted Mary down; this tire murdered Mary. This tire wasn't 'fucking around' as we like to say. This tire was out for vengeance.

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#229

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

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#230

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

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#231

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

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#232

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

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#233

I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He’s showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops. Why don't you back off, cran-man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.

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#234

Serbia? Isn’t that the place that Clinton bombed because he stuck that cigar in that girl’s twat?

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#235

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable."

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#236

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

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#237

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

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#238

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.

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#239

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

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#240

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

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