I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!
Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes
Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 16192)
I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people. They're hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks. I don't know how they missed it. Chinese farmer gets up, works in the field with a shovel all day. Shovel. Spoon. Come on. You're not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues!
How did Mary die? A tire... hit her in the face! What was she doing putting her face near tires? No, no, no... This tire hunted Mary down; this tire murdered Mary. This tire wasn't 'fucking around' as we like to say. This tire was out for vengeance.
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He’s showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops. Why don't you back off, cran-man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.
Serbia? Isn’t that the place that Clinton bombed because he stuck that cigar in that girl’s twat?
I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.