Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 11
My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
Do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call, every word you say is suspect, you're a corporate whore and eh, end of story.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
So my doctor told me to watch what I'm eating - to read food labels. I'm in the store reading the Fig Newtons label: I've always liked Fig Newtons. I'm reading the label to make sure everything's fine: fat content. I looked at the serving size; two cookies. Who eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve: two sleeves is a serving size. I open them both and eat them like a tree chipper; Fig Newton shavings coming off the side.
You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.
And then the other CEOs would gather and they'd go, "Who's that?" "Who's that? That, my friends, is my very esteemed personal ball washer. What did you guys buy? Another car? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
The other night my girlfriend and I are in bed together. She says, 'Anthony, I want you to pee on me.' Now I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life. Never even imagined it before but then I got the green light and apparently, it's my thing. I just jumped up right away. But as soon as that begins she starts screaming at me; like it's my fault she talks in her sleep.
If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? Real fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
One out of forty-four U.S. Presidents can dunk. It’s Millard Filmore, you racists.
All these years, I thought I liked chicken cause it was delicious; but turns out, I'm genetically predisposed to liking chicken!
"Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!"
I heart abortion. Where’s the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won’t be a normal heart. It’ll be a dead infant heart. Y’know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... Ok, man, slow down, we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.