Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 19
You all have that friend who's quitting it. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I quit meat, and I feel great. I get up in at six in the morning and have a nice big bowl of oat bran. Then I go to the bathroom for three and a half hours. I eat another bowl of oat bran and go back into the bathroom for six more hours. All I do is eat and shit, I'm gonna live forever! My colon's the strongest muscle in my body right now. I could pass Elvis through my colon!
I knew it was a bad idea, but I was high. I tried to explain to him that it was a bad idea but all that came out was well nigger sometimes you gotta race, I don't know.
And then the other CEOs would gather and they'd go, "Who's that?" "Who's that? That, my friends, is my very esteemed personal ball washer. What did you guys buy? Another car? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
We know it’s not right. We know it’s not funny, but we’ll quit beating this dead horse when it stops spitting out money. But until then, we will repeat stuff.
You've got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is someone who goes, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen!" Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?! What are you stupid?!
I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn’t make me cooler. And a lot of you are like ‘that’s cause you were homeschooled’.
You're gonna be the nine-toed-havingest-limpingest bitch in Harlem if you don't stop fucking with me.
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
My ex-girlfriend have a lot of like really annoying habits, you know I think the worst was she love to read women’s magazines like Cosmo or things like Cosmo and she would flip straight to the relationship quiz, and not only would she present that to me, as if it was like a fun activity for us to do together, even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world. But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them, so we’d get the best score.
Fuck all of you, and fuck the Liberty Bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass.
It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?