Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 19
I’ve got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I’m the only person who ever tried that.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?
It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.
I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.”
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
The highway cop said, “Walk a straight line.” I said, “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.” He said, “You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?” I thought, “Oooh, a paradox!”
You gotta be cool when you're macho man, cuz you can't be sensitive and care about someone having a good time in bed, cuz that's too scary... When you don't use sensitivity when you're having sex, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen, because men really get afraid. Men really get scared in bed.
"Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!"
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking... and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, andI had to suck out the poison... so she’s dead.
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
Comedy rules! Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, and there are no rules in stand-up comedy, which I really like. You can do anything you want and you can say anything that comes to mind, just so long as it's funny. If you ain't funny then get the fuck off the stage, it`s that simple.