Quotes & Jokes about Dogs / page 3

136 quotes

So I was just sitting on my porch, just minding my own business, and this dog come up to me an says 'Hey, ain't you Ross Perot?' Well, I just about dropped a load. And you all know who the prime authority on talking dogs is? The Republican Party. I rest my case.

We’ve got 4 dogs, 2 of them are wiener dogs, those are her dogs. And they’re cute until they have to go to the vet, and then it’s like a billion dollars. I took them to the vet and our idiot vet goes, “That dog’s gonna have back problems right there.” No kidding! It’s got an 8-foot back and 2-inch legs! I could have figured that one out! Here’s another one, Doc Obvious. That right there’s a boy dog and he’s 1/4 inch away from dragging his transmission on the sidewalk!

Should have dogs before they have kids. Everybody.

You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is. Here's the crazy part about it. Kids are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally OK to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.

To women, we are like big dogs that talk.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.

Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them.

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

Ever wrestle your dog 'til you cum?

Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.

If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain, you might be a redneck.