Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Swimming

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 27)

#1

If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?

202
#2

What if you dove in the pool and while you where on the bottom freaking out some body poured oil on the surface and lit it on fire! Yeah and then you're like Oh, Oh, Oh! You got to keep swimming around feeling for a spot where there's no fire! Then what if you find a circle where there's no fire and the second you come up a big dude just punched you in the face! "Get back in the fiery water! You don't come out of the fiery water! Cover up that whole with more fire now! Get back in the fiery water!"

81
#3

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

71
#4

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place? Are you out of your mind? Swimming - you mean that thing you instinctively do before you die?

63
#5

I hadn’t been to the beach since the summer the synchronized swimming team drowned. It was tragic yet beautiful. Apparently the lead got a cramp and they were pretty hardcore.

46
#6

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to meet it.

41
#7

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

35
#8

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

34
#9

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!

21
#10

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

15
#11

Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.

13
#12

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

12
#13

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

11
#14

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

9
#15

My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of money - forget about it.' She said, 'Dad, I always wanted to swim with the dolphins.' 'Always, or since you saw the sign?'

9