Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 31
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
And he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling T-shirts and apparently, I didn't have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to five X on the T-shirts and he was like, "You don't have my size." I was like, "Dude, I didn't know they made you! I have up to five X, I don't have X!" A picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know?
Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.
You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.'
Fame is like a big eraser. It's strange, now that I'm famous. In my parents' opinion, all the shitty things - all the wreckage of my past - is erased. Now it's like I was never the kid who got arrested. Now I'm a wonderful son.
I retired from acting the same time they stopped hiring me. But following my own thing of making these small indie movies has been the happiest I've ever been.
I lost my fog machine 'cause I left it running for too long. I don't know how fog got associated with partying. 'This weather is way too dangerous to drive in. You guys want to dance?'
Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
A female president - maybe they'd start calling it the Ova Office.
That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.