Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 31
I'm against gun control. It's not that I like guns, it's just that allowing Americans to have guns will increase the chances that a bunch of rednecks will blow each other's heads off.
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
When white people go on break at their job. 15 minutes. They go to their desk. They eat their cheese sandwich. Drink their God damn tea. 15 minutes they’re back on the fucking job. My people I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with us. But when we go on break, that’s just what the fuck we do…. we break. You got to look for our motherfucking ass. “You seen Johnny?”
Breaking is tough, turns are tough, but telling your parents you’re gay is the hardest part of rollerblading.
Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us.
You can't blame the President for everything that's wrong with this country. That's like blaming Ronald McDonald if you get a bad cheeseburger.
When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Eating fast food is like murdering hitchhikers. As long as you only do it every once in a while, it will never catch up with you. If the word “nugget” is anywhere on your menu, I won’t eat at your restaurant. For me, mcdonald’s is just an emergency bathroom in over 119 countries. A hamburger shouldn’t cost 99 cents. Eating right is expensive, but what you spend on organic food, you save on new underwear.
I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.