Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Love

Top 15 Quotes (out of 41)

#1

If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love.

336
#2

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

300
#3

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

190
#4

Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.

151
#5

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

73
#6

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

48
#7

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn’t really hit us.

33
#8

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

26
#9

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.

25
#10

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

24
#11

Women want you to suffer. You know what I mean? They want you to go 4 to 8 grand in debt. They want you to do that, and go to work every fucking day, knowing that you're working for their fucking love and the use of their fucking vagina.

23
#12

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

20
#13

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

19
#14

Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.

19
#15

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

17