Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Immigration

Top 15 Quotes (out of 17)

#1

I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don't serve on jury duty. That's horse shit. It should be the other way around - they should serve exclusively on jury duty. Then it finally would be a jury of one's own peers. It's not a stereotype if it's always true; then it becomes law.

172
#2

Fucking immigrants, all started with that Einstein... Once they brought him over from Germany and we didn't have any good genius jobs, it was a trickle-down effect.

68
#3

America - 20 million illegal immigrants can't be wrong!

29
#4

My parents are immigrants. Came here with no money. Not this welfare thing. Welfare’s luxury… They came to the airport naked. “Can we get on the plane? I don’t want to show you where my passport is.”

7
#5

Immigrants have been coming here for a long time. The Americans that are afraid of others coming were immigrants once themselves, so they have a lot of nerve. We have a lot of nerve as a country. The only people that should have xenophobia are Native Americans. Everyone else should shut up.

6
#6

I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English - I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer.

4
#7

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

4
#8

If the immigration bill doesn't go through it is okay because we'll still go through.

3
#9

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

3
#10

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

2
#11

I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available.

2
#12

He immigrated to America, moved us all to east L. A. where all the Mexicans treated us like crap; because they would say, and I quote, 'Eh, you're from farther.'

2
#13

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.

2
#14

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

2
#15

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

1