Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 18

I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.

I knew it was a bad idea, but I was high. I tried to explain to him that it was a bad idea but all that came out was well nigger sometimes you gotta race, I don't know.

Black guys with dirty sneakers scare the shit out of me.

I’ve got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I’m the only person who ever tried that.

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

Rednecks are like America's pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop 'em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, 'Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo... it'll scare the hell out of them.'

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.

It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.

When I was on vacation in Africa, I went out in the country. Where you see some lions and shit. I'm talking about real lions, not them kind you be fucking with in the zoo. Hey, lion, motherfucker.

When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.

I was married to a subliterate, terra-cotta-toothed imbecile with violent tendencies.

Ted Kennedy, a good senator but a bad date you know what I mean? "What'd I forget? Goddamit the fuckin' girl! Jesus Christ where are my pants?"

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance - fake.

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!