Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 18
My ex-girlfriend have a lot of like really annoying habits, you know I think the worst was she love to read women’s magazines like Cosmo or things like Cosmo and she would flip straight to the relationship quiz, and not only would she present that to me, as if it was like a fun activity for us to do together, even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world. But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them, so we’d get the best score.
I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.
My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.
Ted Kennedy, a good senator but a bad date you know what I mean? "What'd I forget? Goddamit the fuckin' girl! Jesus Christ where are my pants?"
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!
I was married to a subliterate, terra-cotta-toothed imbecile with violent tendencies.
Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.
I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking... and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, andI had to suck out the poison... so she’s dead.
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
I’ve got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I’m the only person who ever tried that.
Rednecks are like America's pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop 'em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, 'Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo... it'll scare the hell out of them.'
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance - fake.