Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 2
Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, "Fuck you! Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans … fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy."
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.
We had Monopoly, everybody did. No one liked it. Even if you think you liked the game you didn't. And it's simple why, two and a half hours into a game this is all you'd hear... Boom. Fuck this game! It's four in the morning grandma, you win! I'm sitting on Baltic with crack. I'm paying luxury tax up the ass! And I hate it when you're the banker. Where did you get the pink fifties from your cheating whore. Don't fucking touch me grandpa! Nana, is a cheating whore! I should cut your head off with the little doggie. We were so poor growing up, that little iron, we had to use that little iron. It's not funny. Takes a long time to iron a shirt with that tiny little iron. Sss. Oww. Sss. Ooo hot.
Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to walk out onto the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna take a nap now."
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.
My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. "Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them." It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, "Do you see that, honey?... Why can’t you be that skinny?"
Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.
"There’s no excuse for domestic violence." It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she’s about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? "Unfortunately no, there’s no excuse. You’re going to have to let her drown that third one."
Right, but yeah, you say things, but sometimes you say some shit and then you think about it like two hours later, and you're like, "What the fuck was I talking about?!" And you get all embarrassed, like I was with this girl recently, right, and I was just totally in the zone, right, and out of nowhere I was like, "Oh yeah, my dick feels like corn." Sounded good at the time. She didn't even miss a beat, she was like, "Gimme the butter, baby, gimme the butter! Come on, Orville Redenbacher, pop that pussy!"
I'm in a weird situation 'cause I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So I wear a rainbow on my shirt, but then under it I gotta put 'Not Gay.' But I'm not against gay people, so then under that I gotta put 'But Supportive.' I just think it's weird that one group took refracted light. That's pretty greedy, gays.
I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. "I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs." "I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking." Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!
I'm drinking Jack and I started blackin out. You ever black out? Or as I call it, time travel? You ever do that? Oh yeah! You know how it is -- you're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in another bar. You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're playing that knife game with a half-Indian somewhere in North Dakota, "Yeah! Yeah! Winner fixes the tranny! Yeah". You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in White Castle -- working there 3 years, STILL not assistant manager. Your buddies tell you to quit, but you can't 'cause you're banging the slow girl on the fry-o-later. They say she's a little retarded, but those titties ain't retarded!