Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 31
They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.
Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She’s like, ‘Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.’ And every night, I make her return it. I say, ‘No way, baby. You can’t take care of a houseplant. You couldn’t even keep your baby alive.’
After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
They say that the recipie for sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, and there's more to it than that. "You want some more home made sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Alright, listen up! I don't like white people. I hate rednecks. You people are rednecks. That means I'm enjoyin' this shit.
What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, "It's gonna be worth it!".
I recently had sex with a midget. Not on purpose - he was a tricky little fucker. He kept giving me shot after shot after shot of tequila and would keep getting taller and taller and taller.
Fuck all of you, and fuck the Liberty Bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass.
I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn’t make me cooler. And a lot of you are like ‘that’s cause you were homeschooled’.
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
While I was in Miami, they stole my rental car, because apparently, they didn't have enough time to load up a gun and shoot me. On the street, there was a Lexus, a BMW, and in the middle was my car; the rental car. The Plymouth Horizon. Here's a math problem for you, don't ponder it too long or your head'll explode, but how many drugs would you have to consume, in what period of time, to be on the street and go, "Well, I gotta have the Horizon! Are you kidding me? I've never driven a car that's aqua!"
Twinkle twinkle little star, Will she blow me in the car. I bought her dinner, she had fun. My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.
I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits. She said: “How are you gonna make that feel good for me?” and I said: "Right before I cum, I’ll stop punching you in the face."