Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 31

18,873 quotes

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She’s like, ‘Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.’ And every night, I make her return it. I say, ‘No way, baby. You can’t take care of a houseplant. You couldn’t even keep your baby alive.’

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Rooting for the Yankees is like going to a casino and rooting for the house.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence. The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

It's a cup... with dirt in it. I call it a cup of dirt.

I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!

I've never sucked a dick. Isn't that weird? My whole life! That's weird to me. It is! It's weird. Because almost everybody has sucked a dick, when you think about it, most people on earth suck dicks. It's true. Because 51% of the population are women and they suck dicks. Then there's all the gay guys who suck dicks. Then there's all the straight guys who have been forced to suck a dick under various circumstances. So there's only like a thousand of us out there who never blew anyone. Just a bunch of selfish assholes that are fuckin' gettin' blown and not blowin' back, you know.

They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!

I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is super-hot, you should be able to fuck one time.

Alright, listen up! I don't like white people. I hate rednecks. You people are rednecks. That means I'm enjoyin' this shit.