Quotes & Jokes about Money / page 2

57 quotes

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

When you ain't got no money, you gotta get an attitude.

So what happens when nerds all get rich is: there’s a politics to it. Where there is money there is power. So then everyone else is like: “Hey nerds are great!”

You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT!! That's a pretty good dream.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.

I’m at a very frustrating point in my career because I’m not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you’re in movies or TV, you’re rich. I’m not rich, but I’m far from broke. I’m what you call a ‘thousandaire.’

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

You can go home with a lot of money with absolutely no skill.

This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.

Motherfucker looked at me like I owed him money. (on Reagan)

People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.