Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Holidays

Top 15 Quotes (out of 43)

#1

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!

418
#2

A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"

291
#3

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

141
#4

Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.

103
#5

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

87
#6

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

35
#7

I will tell you, that you Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop?! It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!

30
#8

Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don't ear for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little "Lent." What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you're paying retail.

30
#9

Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'

29
#10

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.

29
#11

Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.'

28
#12

Wallmart had their employees switch from saying “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays”. How many Jews are really shopping at Wallmart? In fact, if you’re a Jew shopping at Wallmart, your life probably hasn’t gone as planned.

19
#13

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

14
#14

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

13
#15

Every holiday on the calendar, I check in a hotel and fast - I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't talk.

13