Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Sport

28 quotes

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re good at it, you deserve a medal.

I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."

Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game.

Sports fans eat shit.

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing. Two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt and a purse.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.