Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Shoes

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 56)

#1

I say fuck shoes! Your shoes do not represent you! Neither here, nor in a court of law!

225
#2

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

182
#3

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

154
#4

Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.

83
#5

I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, "Ya, can I just get those sneakers in a 10?" And uh, he said, "Okay" and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, "I don't have a 10, I have a 9." "Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed, so that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, 'cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You're re-hired 'cause you're a genius.

61
#6

Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.

53
#7

Religion is like a pair of shoes... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

48
#8

Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy.

42
#9

Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.

39
#10

My father always dressed nice, and he always wore shades and a hat. Plus he always wore shined shoes. He taught me: “Always get there before you get there.” That means always dress nice. Even if you’re not the most handsome man in the world, you must have handsome characteristics, such as a handsome personality and attitude.

31
#11

Let’s say a guy walks up wearing the goofiest shoes you’ve ever seen. Crocs maybe.

26
#12

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.

23
#13

Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."

21
#14

And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be "in" your shoes at this particular time and place.

21
#15

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

17