I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, “Oh, my God! What haven’t I…? Rwanda! I better create Rwanda! Sorry, haven’t quite done that… The Tower of Pisa! Oh, it’s leaning… Oh, shi… done! Toilets in French camping sites… there we go. English football hooligans… there we go, whatever that is… Mrs. Thatcher’s heart… there we go… oh, fuck that! I know, I’ll put a stone in, that’ll work! There we go…” The next week, I think, people are coming back, going, “Rwanda doesn't work very well; infrastructure’s fucked.”
Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Football
Top 15 Quotes (out of 32)
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
"Losing builds character." You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.
When you think of the former high school football star, you think 6-foot-2, white, meathead as the model for that kind of character. Since I'm not 6-foot-2 or white, I just thought about what I could bring to it. I thought about Smash Williams from 'Friday Night Lights,' like the cocky quarterback, and played around with that.
I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.
Actually my Dad just took off. It was one of those divorces he split and he'd show up once a year and give me a Nerf football for Christmas. Thought he's my hero again. Woah it's two colors... you spoil me, you prick.
In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.
In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show...
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
This is football we're talking about here, which you call bananas and you're reluctant to play it. But you play baseball, the World Series. You've won every year, America's won every year in that. Well done America.
You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.